Trying to psych myself up to go to the nearest clinic and find out if they have an Urgent Care.

I keep telling myself it's not that bad. That hip will still bear weight. It rotates correctly. I can walk. It's not broken, it just hurts. I'm being a drama queen. I should just shut up and deal.

I don't know why I keep ending up in this groove. I had to go out yesterday. I ended up teaching about a quarter of the hoop lesson from the floor, contorted into an impossible stretch trying to open up the joint. I spent the train ride home in a corner seat, huddled against a baffle, wanting desperately to not be there. Not the train, the train was fine. I wanted to not be in my body, where the thing hurt. I wanted my headphone volume to go up higher. I wanted to not start crying in public.

I have to make a plan. I can't cope with sudden changes anymore. I don't want to end up just standing in the waiting room, helpless, if something goes wrong.

What will I do if it turns out they don't have an urgent care that handles this sort of thing? (Get information on what they do have, make an appointment with a regular doctor, go home, cry more.)

What will I do if they tell me 'you're overreacting, go take some Tylenol, find a heating pad, it'll go away on its own'? (Go home, cry more, try to decide if this warrants a trip to the ER, maybe figure out how much longer to document I waited before they'll believe me.)

What will I do if they tell me they have nothing to offer me that isn't an opioid painkiller? (Politely say thank you for your time anyway, go home, cry more.)

What will I do if they give me something that makes me woozy and won't let me leave without supervision? (Wait until I can walk straightish again, lie about being picked up outside, wobble the five minutes home on my own.)

What will I do if they send me off to fill a prescription on my own? (Go home, cry more, if it seems useful go fill it on Monday when I have more than $4 in my bank account.)

It took me over an hour to get myself through a shower and into pajamas last night. I don't know how much longer it'll take me to get dressed today. But I am trying. I swear I'm trying.

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