I have been trying, and failing, to write more about dancing with the Eccentric. The problem I keep running into is that it's difficult to phrase everything in a way that doesn't sound either like some sort of abstract head trip, or a thinly-veiled euphemism for sex. It isn't either of those things, but it is significant. He's spent the past year pressing some interesting buttons -- kindly, and with my permission, but pressing them repeatedly nonetheless.
The Eccentric wants a high level of emotional intimacy from his dance partners. This isn't an inference I've made; this is an actual conversation I have had with him, about why he dances, and what he wants out of me. He is not kidding. I've been the FWB for people in open relationships before, but this is the first time I've run into someone who's allowed to have... uh, 'feelings-buddies'? I guess? Not even "allowed" so much as I think he just ran his life this way until he found a woman who thought it was endearing, and then very sensibly decided to marry her.
(I think it's endearing. I've always thought it was appealing when someone has the capacity to connect with a multitude of other people, without treating it as a zero-sum game. I'm generally the only one, so this is another thing I keep to myself. Don't feel like fielding objections when I do it.)
I've never gotten the vibe that it's sexual. Romantic, or romanticized, possibly -- an awful lot of his favorite people are drop-dead gorgeous women, and he's both vocal about acknowledging this and seems pretty proud of himself for getting our attention. It's very intimate, though, and openly so. Every time I see him, he does at least one thing that makes me go, "Welp, the rest of the room thinks we're having an affair now." Trying to explain it, even to myself, I have the knee-jerk reaction that I should be defending myself against all of pop culture, insisting that there's only one reason to ever get close to anybody.
In the interest of full disclosure, I don't actually know what the full taxonomy of relationships looks like in his head. He married his favorite, he dotes on his daughter, and the rest is kind of a welter of Wingdings and mojibake. He did once quote me a lifetime total number of "girlfriends" that suggested he's either counting his favorite dance partners there, or he didn't get a wink of sleep in his misspent youth. I usually get "friend" when he's talking to me, but I've also gotten "soulmate" a couple of times, so who knows. I wouldn't personally call it 'more than friends', but I'd probably also squawk if someone called it 'just' friends. That does a serious disservice to the Eccentric's idea of friendship.
The other thing it is, is respectful. When it comes to favorite follows, he has a type, and that type is me. I am rubbish at letting other people take care of me, and that's really all he wants to do. He's used to being hypercompetent at everything, and one of the things he turns that to is mother-henning -- or papa-bearing, pick your favorite metaphor -- including when he's leading at ballroom. He loves dips, drops, leans, pulling me slowly over so that my center of gravity ends up nowhere near where my feet are planted, not just because they're flashy, but because he knows damn well that I don't have to let him do that. He likes earning my trust. I am always well taken care of when we dance.
The main reason this still takes up so much real estate in my brain is the persistent feeling that I am the reason I can't have nice things. I talk to the Eccentric periodically via text message and see him in person maybe once or twice a month. This is about the amount of time and energy I am capable of giving any one person in my life, no matter how much I like them or how important they are. This goes over fine with friends, but it's way below what everybody wants from their only, or even primary, romantic partner. (My tolerance for other humans does not go up if sex is involved, which is why I don't bother dating.) Romance = close (especially, like, cuddly close) for most people, so it's not a thing I get.
Apparently this is not the case when you dance with charismatic space aliens. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The Eccentric wants a high level of emotional intimacy from his dance partners. This isn't an inference I've made; this is an actual conversation I have had with him, about why he dances, and what he wants out of me. He is not kidding. I've been the FWB for people in open relationships before, but this is the first time I've run into someone who's allowed to have... uh, 'feelings-buddies'? I guess? Not even "allowed" so much as I think he just ran his life this way until he found a woman who thought it was endearing, and then very sensibly decided to marry her.
(I think it's endearing. I've always thought it was appealing when someone has the capacity to connect with a multitude of other people, without treating it as a zero-sum game. I'm generally the only one, so this is another thing I keep to myself. Don't feel like fielding objections when I do it.)
I've never gotten the vibe that it's sexual. Romantic, or romanticized, possibly -- an awful lot of his favorite people are drop-dead gorgeous women, and he's both vocal about acknowledging this and seems pretty proud of himself for getting our attention. It's very intimate, though, and openly so. Every time I see him, he does at least one thing that makes me go, "Welp, the rest of the room thinks we're having an affair now." Trying to explain it, even to myself, I have the knee-jerk reaction that I should be defending myself against all of pop culture, insisting that there's only one reason to ever get close to anybody.
In the interest of full disclosure, I don't actually know what the full taxonomy of relationships looks like in his head. He married his favorite, he dotes on his daughter, and the rest is kind of a welter of Wingdings and mojibake. He did once quote me a lifetime total number of "girlfriends" that suggested he's either counting his favorite dance partners there, or he didn't get a wink of sleep in his misspent youth. I usually get "friend" when he's talking to me, but I've also gotten "soulmate" a couple of times, so who knows. I wouldn't personally call it 'more than friends', but I'd probably also squawk if someone called it 'just' friends. That does a serious disservice to the Eccentric's idea of friendship.
The other thing it is, is respectful. When it comes to favorite follows, he has a type, and that type is me. I am rubbish at letting other people take care of me, and that's really all he wants to do. He's used to being hypercompetent at everything, and one of the things he turns that to is mother-henning -- or papa-bearing, pick your favorite metaphor -- including when he's leading at ballroom. He loves dips, drops, leans, pulling me slowly over so that my center of gravity ends up nowhere near where my feet are planted, not just because they're flashy, but because he knows damn well that I don't have to let him do that. He likes earning my trust. I am always well taken care of when we dance.
The main reason this still takes up so much real estate in my brain is the persistent feeling that I am the reason I can't have nice things. I talk to the Eccentric periodically via text message and see him in person maybe once or twice a month. This is about the amount of time and energy I am capable of giving any one person in my life, no matter how much I like them or how important they are. This goes over fine with friends, but it's way below what everybody wants from their only, or even primary, romantic partner. (My tolerance for other humans does not go up if sex is involved, which is why I don't bother dating.) Romance = close (especially, like, cuddly close) for most people, so it's not a thing I get.
Apparently this is not the case when you dance with charismatic space aliens. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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