So, aside from the battery issue -- we achieved a 1% charge after sitting for about 48 hours untouched, hooray -- the MacBook Pro seems to be perfectly okay. I still feel like I'm smashing all the keys Shrek-style, and persistently reach for a delete-things-to-the-right button (and Home/End/PgUp/PgDn...) that isn't there, but that'll go away eventually. The touch bar is pretty neat, although wholly unnecessary, and my brain keeps telling me that virtual Esc key is a colossal single-point-failure waiting to take out the entire keyboard. How am I supposed to communicate my displeasure to the computer if I can't bang on Esc/Break/three-finger salute it when it hangs? Oh well. Step One when I get a new computer is always to factory reset the OS (or install another one, if it's completely hosed) and then wade through like twelve hours of updates and rebooting. Macs have a hardware (firmware?) restore mode, and will happily nuke the boot drive for you if you're sure y...