Dear Lindsay Lohan
Dear LiLo, I saw a picture of you on Jezebel the other day. The Jezzies were catty bitches about it, because they're a half-news half-comic commentary site and that's their schtick, but the fact is they're kind of right, and you're starting to look a lot like your mother. That's not good. Your mother is, to put it mildly, a deluded mess of a human being. She is also, necessarily, something like twenty years older than you. You are five years younger than I am, Lindsay. You should not look a good decade older. All I can say when I see those photos is, "Oh, Lindsay. You used to be so pretty." And it bothers me that that's the only thing I have to say about it, because it means two things. One is that I don't know anything about you other than what you look like. I really hope that's because your thoughts are too close to the ordinary person's thoughts to be novel and therefore interesting in print, because the other possible reasons for...