I am not handling any of this at all well.
As previously mentioned, I am not at high physical risk from SARS-CoV-2. I have plenty of medical issues, but none of them are relevant to respiratory infections. I have also not been outside of the house for over a week. Either I haven't caught it and I'm fine, or I have caught it and I'm still fine.
It has become increasingly clear that I am at high risk psychiatrically. I've already got a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder NOS", which as far as I can tell is med speak for "fuck if I know, have some Xanax". I have spent exactly 0% of my life receiving effective medical care for this, and that includes the percentage of my life I have spent receiving literally any medical care for this.
Usually what happens is that I muddle through life by stubbornly doing things, self-medicating when there is nothing to do, and self-monitoring for points where personal stressors plus world events conspire to create a crisis. When my life falls apart and then the Human Cheez-It in charge of the country starts idly lobbing insults at the man who has spent his weekend idly lobbing missiles over Japan, I present to whatever ER I live nearest to at the time, make it clear that I am not in immediate danger but also that I cannot eat or sleep in a state of continual panic, and leave about eight hours later with a bottle of sedatives. I would go to Urgent Care, but they don't handle controlled substances in MA. I don't bother telling anybody, because what the fuck could they do about it? Drive maybe? The T will get me there fine.
My main personal worry is, or was, money. Grocery shopping is a minefield. I can eat just about anything, do I really need that? And no, I never need that specific thing, it could always be something else, something cheaper. And I do so much math. How many calories per dollar? You can get up to about 500, but you have to live on cookies and ramen. In theory it would be cheaper to get 1700 calories per day in rice, but 1700 calories of rice is ten cups of rice, and I can neither cook nor eat that much while I am out of the house for 8-12 hours a day trying to work enough to eat things that are not rice.
(Literally all of my work has been canceled right now. All of it. I am a gig worker who has no protection. I already do not earn enough to live.)
So whatever it is, I put it back, because I don't really need to spend money on that particular food. It could always be something else, something cheaper, more responsible. And now going to the store might mean catching COVID-19, might mean giving it to someone else if I'm an asymptomatic carrier, might mean I buy something that someone else could need now that the fuckwickets are hoarding. I even have second thoughts about eating anything that's already in the house. I'm fine, I don't need to consume things or take up space.
This is the tip of the iceberg.
As anyone with an anxiety disorder will understand, this is not the first time in my life I have wanted very badly to not be present in whatever moment I'm forced to live through. Normally there is something to distract me. Either I have other shit to do, or there is a long list of "self-care" activities that will take up time regardless of whether they actually do anything for my mood, which they don't. My social energy is limited, but 'hey friend-person want to get lunch and talk about stupid shit' is also a viable option.
When there is nothing, I size up how much time needs to vanish. Turn in my exam on Friday, won't get my grade until Monday, no work for the weekend? Great, Saturday and Sunday can go. Knocking myself out and just sleeping for two days is cheapest, but drugs can at least waste a long block of hours making music sound cool. Alcohol is stupidly expensive and tastes funny, but is widely available, and people look at you less oddly for being "bored and drunk". The older you get the more people frown at you for this, but also the older you get the less anyone keeps tabs on you, and the less it is any of their business.
I have been alternating between flailing around on Facebook trying to pretend I don't care if anyone pays attention or not, and trying to sleep through this mess when nobody does. I have put myself on a goddamned timer. "Do you really need to bother [name] right now? Does it really have to be [name] specifically? Then post a meme or some shit, see if shouting into the void works. Do not bother [name] for at least 12 hours after the last time they answered you. If you get to 12, see if you can shut up for 24. If you're a priority they'll get around to it; if not they clearly have more important things to do."
Because everyone does. I go through the same thing from Thanksgiving to January 2 every year. Other people have partners, kids, parents, loved ones to talk to. There are some top people in my life, but I am not the top person in theirs. Friends are low on the list. This is just how it works. Except I can look forward to normality returning annually after everyone gets over their New Year's hangover, and I can go back to pretending I have some significance to unspecified someone somewhere. I have no idea when "social distancing" will end. Nobody knows.
It won't last forever. It can't. Humans are social creatures. Some of the people who don't die of COVID-19 will die of distance. Nobody will count them, because nobody will care -- they will be the disconnected, the isolated, the destitute, the broken. And hospitals will be busy with those who can't breathe.
As previously mentioned, I am not at high physical risk from SARS-CoV-2. I have plenty of medical issues, but none of them are relevant to respiratory infections. I have also not been outside of the house for over a week. Either I haven't caught it and I'm fine, or I have caught it and I'm still fine.
It has become increasingly clear that I am at high risk psychiatrically. I've already got a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder NOS", which as far as I can tell is med speak for "fuck if I know, have some Xanax". I have spent exactly 0% of my life receiving effective medical care for this, and that includes the percentage of my life I have spent receiving literally any medical care for this.
Usually what happens is that I muddle through life by stubbornly doing things, self-medicating when there is nothing to do, and self-monitoring for points where personal stressors plus world events conspire to create a crisis. When my life falls apart and then the Human Cheez-It in charge of the country starts idly lobbing insults at the man who has spent his weekend idly lobbing missiles over Japan, I present to whatever ER I live nearest to at the time, make it clear that I am not in immediate danger but also that I cannot eat or sleep in a state of continual panic, and leave about eight hours later with a bottle of sedatives. I would go to Urgent Care, but they don't handle controlled substances in MA. I don't bother telling anybody, because what the fuck could they do about it? Drive maybe? The T will get me there fine.
My main personal worry is, or was, money. Grocery shopping is a minefield. I can eat just about anything, do I really need that? And no, I never need that specific thing, it could always be something else, something cheaper. And I do so much math. How many calories per dollar? You can get up to about 500, but you have to live on cookies and ramen. In theory it would be cheaper to get 1700 calories per day in rice, but 1700 calories of rice is ten cups of rice, and I can neither cook nor eat that much while I am out of the house for 8-12 hours a day trying to work enough to eat things that are not rice.
(Literally all of my work has been canceled right now. All of it. I am a gig worker who has no protection. I already do not earn enough to live.)
So whatever it is, I put it back, because I don't really need to spend money on that particular food. It could always be something else, something cheaper, more responsible. And now going to the store might mean catching COVID-19, might mean giving it to someone else if I'm an asymptomatic carrier, might mean I buy something that someone else could need now that the fuckwickets are hoarding. I even have second thoughts about eating anything that's already in the house. I'm fine, I don't need to consume things or take up space.
This is the tip of the iceberg.
As anyone with an anxiety disorder will understand, this is not the first time in my life I have wanted very badly to not be present in whatever moment I'm forced to live through. Normally there is something to distract me. Either I have other shit to do, or there is a long list of "self-care" activities that will take up time regardless of whether they actually do anything for my mood, which they don't. My social energy is limited, but 'hey friend-person want to get lunch and talk about stupid shit' is also a viable option.
When there is nothing, I size up how much time needs to vanish. Turn in my exam on Friday, won't get my grade until Monday, no work for the weekend? Great, Saturday and Sunday can go. Knocking myself out and just sleeping for two days is cheapest, but drugs can at least waste a long block of hours making music sound cool. Alcohol is stupidly expensive and tastes funny, but is widely available, and people look at you less oddly for being "bored and drunk". The older you get the more people frown at you for this, but also the older you get the less anyone keeps tabs on you, and the less it is any of their business.
I have been alternating between flailing around on Facebook trying to pretend I don't care if anyone pays attention or not, and trying to sleep through this mess when nobody does. I have put myself on a goddamned timer. "Do you really need to bother [name] right now? Does it really have to be [name] specifically? Then post a meme or some shit, see if shouting into the void works. Do not bother [name] for at least 12 hours after the last time they answered you. If you get to 12, see if you can shut up for 24. If you're a priority they'll get around to it; if not they clearly have more important things to do."
Because everyone does. I go through the same thing from Thanksgiving to January 2 every year. Other people have partners, kids, parents, loved ones to talk to. There are some top people in my life, but I am not the top person in theirs. Friends are low on the list. This is just how it works. Except I can look forward to normality returning annually after everyone gets over their New Year's hangover, and I can go back to pretending I have some significance to unspecified someone somewhere. I have no idea when "social distancing" will end. Nobody knows.
It won't last forever. It can't. Humans are social creatures. Some of the people who don't die of COVID-19 will die of distance. Nobody will count them, because nobody will care -- they will be the disconnected, the isolated, the destitute, the broken. And hospitals will be busy with those who can't breathe.
Please feel free to bother me! My timer is much shorter than 12 hours. You can bother me a dozen times a day if you want, and I promise to let you know if I need to be unbothered to teach a class or some other such thing.
ReplyDeleteI am also bother-able by video call if you want face to face time, and/or to see two cats and/or a dog and/or our new apartment with a loft.
Yep - I was going to say you can bother me too - I know you only through the internet, but you write well and no one needs that level of social isolation in times like these. We can be plague buddies! I should not have put an exclamation point there.
ReplyDeleteWe can be plague buddies? we'll just check in. I don't facebook, but I do instagram, and I respond to emails. Hit me up, k?