Dear Lindsay Lohan

Dear LiLo,

I saw a picture of you on Jezebel the other day. The Jezzies were catty bitches about it, because they're a half-news half-comic commentary site and that's their schtick, but the fact is they're kind of right, and you're starting to look a lot like your mother. That's not good. Your mother is, to put it mildly, a deluded mess of a human being. She is also, necessarily, something like twenty years older than you.

You are five years younger than I am, Lindsay. You should not look a good decade older.

All I can say when I see those photos is, "Oh, Lindsay. You used to be so pretty." And it bothers me that that's the only thing I have to say about it, because it means two things. One is that I don't know anything about you other than what you look like. I really hope that's because your thoughts are too close to the ordinary person's thoughts to be novel and therefore interesting in print, because the other possible reasons for that upset me. You might be so incisive or weird somehow that the press hates printing what you say because they find it threatening, or they might have mangled what you said so much early on that you just don't talk to them anymore, both of which make me mad at the media. Or you might be so much of an addlepated shiftless froot loop now that the people in the press who still like you are quietly keeping much of what you say from being printed, because they care at least a little and don't like seeing you make a fool of yourself in public, which makes me sad for you.

The other thing that says is that you are going downhill so fast that even not really knowing what's going on with you, I can see it written all over your face. Which is, for obvious reasons, bad.

One of the peripheral Jezzies made a compelling case down in the comments that you might be doing high-priced escort work now. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the fact that you recently posed for Playboy -- while that's not something that every woman should necessarily want to do, nobody seems too concerned about you being naked, so much as they wonder if you were maybe doing something you didn't really care for because you needed the money. Escort work is much the same. You should be free to do it if you want to, but that's the kind of decision you really need to make with a clear conscience and especially a clear head.

Wikipedia says you're doing acting work of some kind again now, which is good. I don't really see people complaining that you're a terrible actress, so much as a lot of them think you look kind of dead behind the eyes when you're not pretending to be someone else. (I can't comment, really. I haven't seen anything you've done since The Parent Trap. They all sound a lot like movies that would make me turn off Netflix in the middle so I didn't throw things at the TV, but that's not really your fault.) I hope your Playboy shoot went better than your mock-Marilyn one did. If you're going to be drunk for these, you should at least master the art of being a happy drunk.

In conclusion, Lindsay, please please please get your act together. I'll be so disappointed if I look around on my 40th birthday and discover that, of all the silly peppy icons of my high school and college days, Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani are the only ones left whose default state is both 'alive' and 'mostly functional'.

Hoping you'll do a movie I can watch someday,

PS - This is a personal nitpick I don't mean any disrespect by it, but why do you keep changing your hair dye and painting over your freckles? Red hair is the shiznit. If you get it together and start eating your meals instead of snorting them and go back to your natural colors, and most importantly develop some perspective and a sense of humor about your addicted partying days, you could Raquel Welch the hell out of your old age someday. Just a thought.


  1. While I haven't given "LiLo" (which is a nice contraction) as much thought, I will say that when her song "Ultimate" came up on my playlist recently, I did feel a pang...somewhere between shock, nostalgia, and regret...when I realized she had, at one time, created something that I really enjoyed.

  2. know, it honestly never crossed my mind to bother listening to any of her music. I knew it existed, but kind of assumed it would be unlistenable crap. (I set the bar pretty low, but it is there -- I have the entire collected output of the Spice Girls, but sincerely wish Miley Cyrus would shut up.) She actually isn't terrible. I assume "Ultimate" was written for the movie, but the other stuff that had videos on YouTube is kind of Eastern European hard dance-ish. She can sing, and certainly sounds like she's giving it her all. The subject matter, particularly of the "Confessions" thing, also sounds suspiciously like they either let her write some of it, or wrote it specifically for her.

  3. "Ultimate" may be the only song of hers I've heard, now that I think of it. It's not a bad song, by my measure, but my measure does involve the question, "How would this play as the background music to a ninja fight scene?" That's not really a universal measure. :)

    BTW, apologies if (a) posted a bazillion times and (b) using my Google ID (it's jarodrussell). Blogspot and OpenID are giving me the finger.


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