Attention Internets: Yes, I AM for sale!

I've gotten a few emails in the past couple of weeks asking me why, if I am obviously both passionate about, and good at, writing, am I not doing this professionally?

Believe me, guys, I'm trying.

There are, in a variety of places, a lot of very long lists of "freelance writing jobs". About 85% of these are "search-engine optimization" positions, in which I would be required to vomit onto the internet oodles of thinly-disguised buzzword-laden PR statements. Since I consider Mass Marketing to be a sort of mezzanine level between the sixth and seventh rings of Hell, I do not respond to these calls for mass blog-spammers.

A significant portion of what's left are unpaid internships at magazines, or write-for-exposure positions at online publications who are trying to build up a stable roster of freelancers until such time as someone actually buys an ad, and they can pay people. It's not worth my while to respond to these unless they're something I'd be writing about anyway. Otherwise I'd just be killing myself to squeeze out something mediocre on a topic I couldn't care less about.

Other positions are desk jobs in copyediting or project management. I do not get along very well with regular business hours -- every time I've tried to take a 9-5 M-F schedule of anything has resulted in a complete breakdown of my ability to do things like feed myself and sleep. Nobody will give me one of these anyway, even though I can and probably would fix their texts with my eyes closed, since I don't have any official desk job copyediting positions on my résumé.

I keep answering the other ads, but there are so many people and so few positions that it's a matter of luck whether I can get anyone to even read any of my writing before dumping my reply directly into the recycling bin.

Freelance-wise, I would be quite happy to do any one of a number of word-like things for money. I can be hired for:
  • Proofreading
    • Academic work
    • Technical manuals
    • Fiction & essays
    • ESL work a specialty!
  • Translation
    • French to English
    • German to English
    • Japanese to English
    • Spanish to English
    • Experience with academic papers and technical manuals
    • Direct translation or interpreted localization, with full footnotes upon request
  • Technical writing
    • Tutorials
    • Processes
    • Lesson plans
    • How-it-works
  • Copy & content writing
    • Fiction, non-fiction, personal essays
    • Guest blogging
    • Product reviews (honest ones!)
    • Light journalism, especially tech/geek or fashion-related
  • Game & Scenario writing
    • Custom GURPS tabletop campaigns
    • Standalone/one-shot tabletop games
    • Custom worldbooks
    • ARG background & character pieces
    • Puzzle design, with an emphasis on caterwampus logic, pattern and cryptography
    • Logic/flow and playtesting
  • Tutoring
    • English for native speakers
    • ESL
    • French
    • German
    • Japanese
    • Spanish
    • Esperanto
    • American & World history
    • Civics/Citizenship tests
    • Math through beginning calculus
    • Physics through electromagnetism
    • Technology/computer use
    • Inquire for other subjects

I work as a model (art / editorial / glamour / fashion / promo / catwalk) and actress in the Greater Boston Area. My rates are negotiable and I occasionally do TFP work for non-profits or just because it's interesting. See here for a variety of photoshoots I've done under my stage name. I happen to be involved in a minor way in Boston Fashion Week this year, so if you'd like some articles on that, I'd be more than happy to sell you some.

On top of all that, I also take jobs as a sort of general analytical brain. I have absolutely no fear of public speaking, so if you have an organization that you think could benefit from some in-person lessons on social interaction or body language, please feel free to contact me. Various other things I've done for pay include private psych profiles ("I met this person on the internet, can you tell if they're crazy?"), consumer advising ("I need to buy a widget but I don't know anything about them, can you give me some suggestions for a good one under $X?"), personal stylist ("I have no idea how to dress myself, HELP!"), online privacy assessments ("Here are a bunch of my screen names, where am I on the web?") and preliminary academic research ("I have to write a term paper on 17th century Norwegian underwater basket weaving, I don't even know where to START.") and resource location ("I AM STILL MISSING ONE ALBUM FROM MY FAVORITE BAND HAAAAAALLLLLPPPP.")

I greatly prefer to work for a living, but I also take donations via PayPal, if you have a lot of extra money you were just going to set fire to anyway. The "Ari Doesn't Like Starving Fund" is unfortunately not a recognized charity and is therefore not tax-deductible, but who knows? Maybe it'll do something for your karma.

You can get a hold of me to ask about any and all of these things at


  1. Two things!

    1) have you checked out the websites and it's competitors? They allow you to list yourself as an editor, etc and then people hire you to do work. You wouldn't have to go to an office and get to work your own hours. I haven't used any of them yet, but I just might when I get around to needing editing.

    2) I didn't know you were a GURPSer! Another reason seawallglen wanted us to talk! If you want to play in one of my games, or you want another player in one of yours, let me know! PS, I'm planning on running a game of Fiasco in a week, do you want in?

    1. I've gotten zip from the major online freelance sites -- I think they're just too big, and I get buried on the onslaught of other stuff. Weirdly, I've had the best luck checking craigslist (for random cities, not even Boston) and sending inquiries to the ads for "virtual" and "anywhere" writing jobs.

      I've got my own GURPS game in hiatus right now, an Illuminati University one, and I'm writing a one-shot as a housewarming gift for someone who might keel over dead if I tried to give him a physical object after he just moved everything else he owned. I've never run into Fiasco before, what's the setting like?

    2. It is a indie story game aiming to reproduce the sorts of disasters that happen to people in movies like those made by the Coen Brothers. Here is a live play hosted by Wil Wheaton to give you a sense of what it is like:

      Basically it is a oneshot sort of game you play with no GM.


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