I went and did the horrible thing on Thursday. I did not die. It was not fun.

As it turns out, everyone is really surprised when you show up for eviction proceedings in summary court. Ninety percent of their cases take like two minutes, because in ninety percent of the cases the reason the tenant has not paid their rent is that they have already fucked off to parts unknown without leaving a forwarding address. I'm pretty sure Jazmin and I made it into the Pro Se Civil Defenders Elite Club just by figuring out where the damn courthouse was, and not being high when we got there.

[One of the first things the ex-housing advocate therapist lady said to me when I told her that the landlady wanted to go to court was, "You seem like the sort of person who could handle this pro se." I am, albeit with help from people who know more specifics about the law than I do.

I also know that when you're being dragged through the legal system by someone who wants money from you, you show up wearing your cheapest pair of nice work pants and clearance-sale shoes. You want to look like you're aware that you need to dress up for court, but you're brutally underfunded, and this is the best you can do. It also helps if you maintain an aura of 'I'm trying to follow instructions, but I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm not sure I'm in the right place', otherwise known as the exact opposite of the way I conduct the entire rest of my life. Jazmin would probably have found this hilarious if we had not been in fucking court at the time.]

Dudebro did not show up to get his merit badge. We explicitly told the lawyer that we do not care what happens to him. And when I say we, I mostly mean I, and I did it in a tone that suggested I did not care if he sat down very hard on several cacti, either. Summary judgement was entered against him for the full amount. If they ever do find him and wrangle any money out of him, that becomes money we do not have to pay.

We worked out a payment plan. We had both offered this to the landlady ourselves, but I guess she thought we deserved to have to get dressed and come all the way across the city before she'd take it. The same attorney whose receptionist professed not to know what I meant by "I need to serve him some papers" when I dropped off the Motion for Discovery had forgotten the form he needed to file this plan with the court, even though he knew there was a good chance he'd need one. He must be either very, very bunny-ears or very, very cheap. There was a large black and white cat roaming freely around his offices when I went back to drop more things off, so really it could go either way.

I convinced him that it would be easier for me to drop payments off with his office, as it's near a square I have to go through on my way to work. Conveniently, this means I never have to speak to the landlady ever again.

In other news, I have been cast in a thing, asked to return for a sequel to a thing I was cast in before, asked to teach actors some German for a thing, asked to costume a thing, asked to pose for a thing, and, last but not least, hired on as an usher for Rosh Hashanah services at BU Hillel. Which will be interesting, as I grew up in Baptist/Mormon country, and most of what I know about Judaism has been gleaned from a long line of standup comedians and a cosmologist with whom I used to share a house. (He is a Nice Jewish Boy From Jersey. They are legion out here. I did not realize, until I overheard him on the phone with his mother one day, that Woody Allen has actually been making documentaries all these years.) I assumed they'd plonk the Irish-American gentile girl down in front of the Reform group, where I can't jam my foot too far into my mouth, but the schedule says I'm taking tickets for the Conservative services. I am thinking a hat may be in order.


  1. You did well! Nice touch on not deploying the Wardrobe of Doom.

    If you're not being held responsible for Vanishing Housemates' share of rent, that's a huge improvement. Glad to hear it - I was worried about you.

    I hope you get receipts when you pay the attorney.

    The thing-projects in your last paragraph -- are they all fall projects culminating around December? That sounds like a lot to be doing all at once, and like you've made a decidedly positive impression on lots of people.

    1. No, the various things are all spread out. Rosh Hashanah is Monday, and the last show doesn't go on until January. Some producers just had more lead time than others.


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